I'm in a bit of a funk right now.
I don't usually use my blog to tell you my daily feelings, I know- some of you are like, "yeah right!" But honestly I do not. I write about things that I have feelings and opinions about but they are not necessarily related to something happening that day in my life. Does that make any sense? I usually try to keep it more of a slice of life kind of blog. I don't know, if I confused you with all of that, maybe I'm failing at that too.
Anyway, my point was this. I'm in a funk. And although I would usually plow through it and come up with something else to entertain you with (and I use the word 'entertain' very loosely), I just don't feel like that would be keeping it real, which is what I want to do.
So, what does that mean for you all. Nothing probably.
I won't share with you the details and dirt behind the funk, although after reading Karen dish when she's ticked I do see the therapeutic value in it. I guess it's a good thing that it is Lent. I'm feeling especially forgiving and despite my usual nature to lash out and strike back I am finding strength outside of my own to hold my tongue and let go.
So if you have anything that would be especially cheerful to say to me today or any pearls of wisdom, no forget it- I don't want your wisdom... just be funny! That is what I need, a reminder that with some people I can just be me, and laugh.
18 comments:
Try writing a passive aggresive post like the one I wrote today. ;-D Here's how you do it (people do this all the time and don't even know it): take a topic that's really pissing you off, and write about it lovingly and cheerfully with oozing sarcasm--that's when it really feels good. This practice has the great potential of making you laugh out loud, which then helps relieve some of the steam that's been building. See! I really am brilliant. I knew you were already thinking that.
You know that I'm an advocate of putting it all out there sometimes when you need to. So thanks for being real, my friend.
Heidi,
When I want a good laugh, I look in the mirror.
It usually breaks.
Uncle
An email joke I received:
This one is for everyone who ...
a) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid e) is going to
have kids.
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,
"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
Fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to
Eat them.
Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on
The bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?
Oh it is hard to be funny 'on the spot' okay it is hard for me to be funny most of the time.
Read my blog post TGIF, Nov 10...the comments will make you laugh and get you out of your funk!
Heidi, I know this is super long but it works for me. My dad sent this to me a year ago and I still keep it in my inbox so when I'm in a down mood I read this and by the end I'm laughing so hard. Hope you do, too.
Dear Friends,
The mind is a wonderful thing, curiosity is not a wonderful thing. Too much of one and not enough of the other in the wrong hands can be lethal in some cases.
My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes...............
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary and I
was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100,000_volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an
assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time
to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.
If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly
missing out - way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my
chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs
that I was so looking forward to.
I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-_a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not
Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,
"don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a Bad Decision is like hindsight - always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad
decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body
slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like
yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself.
Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
So are you laughing and feeling better? :)
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9dFl4ay_uc
Sorry, I don't have any jokes today.
I'm kinda down in the dumps myself.
Hope you are feeling in a better soon.
I was driving around in a little blue funk for awhile but I traded it in for a flashy new sports car and feel much better roaring down the highway.
Turtle, it pains me somewhat to say this...but you know me best!
Thank you so much for the link. Any Seinfeld obsessors, I mean fans? Paste the link and have a laugh courtesy of Turtle.
eleven signs that you have grown up
1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
Should I have any idea who you are d. chedwick bryant? Does anyone?
I'm not so good at funny on the spot--actually maybe I'm just not so good at funny period. :)
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you are a beautiful person, lovely wife, and wonderful mother and I'm so glad to have "met" you on this computer!
I was having a pretty rough morning today, but I just came back from a mom's meeting at my church and I feel revived! Must be something about two hours with other moms of toddlers, without a single child in sight.... :)
Hope your day is looking brighter!!! Have a great afternoon!
Thanks Holly for the card, that was exactly what I needed.
I don't think I've ever commented this late on your blog. I've just been thinking about what I could possibly say to cheer you up. Then not too long ago, I came across something that cheered me up:
GINGER'S BACK!!!!!
Of course I meant to say Ginger's back to blogging again. :-)
Trust today is a better day for you Heidi.
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