full hands or full heart?

So many topics to cover.  So little time to do so.  That's the story of life is it not?  Do we document what we are living, or do we just live it?  Maybe that is what pulled me away from blogging for so long.

As I stood at the 'clap in' at our kids' elementary school this morning holding my coffee cup, a video camera and my phone, I realized that my hands were full.  Too full.  It was a 'clap in' after all.  How was I to clap and live the moment with all that I was holding onto?  Did I want it preserved in digital eternity or in my heart, remembering that moment because I was fully part of it? 

My life has been defined by that lately.  Full hands can sometimes lead to a less than 'full' heart.  Who needs to be in this moment...me or my facebook friends?  Of course I love to share some of those special moments with many who are an important part of our life, yet separated by distance....but too often I find that the desire to 'upload' is stronger than the desire to be present.

This morning I came home to an empty house.  Okay...with seven people and two pets an empty house is totally inaccurate.  I came home to a house that felt empty.  Because lets face it, the souls in a home are what fill it up, not the stuff.

Life has pulled us into new and exciting avenues.  Oldest child beginning a new chapter in middle school (sigh), youngest child starting pre-school (bigger sigh)...and all the awesomeness in between.  Usually I won't be here at home alone, as life is taking me places as well---...but for today, this first day of school, I return to walk through their rooms picking up the remains of a hectic morning, and for the first time there isn't someone resembling me, but much smaller, following me around.  The dog and cat both look a bit forlorn as well. 

I don't know how/if blogging fits into my life right now.  I have missed it.  Not because of the need to 'publish' my thoughts, but more so because of what writing them out does for me.  And I have had some stories lately that seem as though they were made for blogging!  And yes, I do plan to share a few of them. 

May your hearts be full today.  Not your hands. 

She is beauty.

It is said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and our own experiences have proven this to be true.  Beauty is not related to the designer label on the inside of a dress, the brand of cosmetic that shadows an eye, or the numbers related to a bra size.

No, beauty is deeper than all of that. Beauty is an outward sign of an inward reality. A love, or passion for life and all of those in it, that radiates so intensely that it cannot help but be seen in a physical way. The glow gracing a cheek of a mother carrying a child in her womb, the glistening eye of a groom gazing upon his bride, the creased brow of a face framed in laughter, this is beauty.


I have beheld such beauty. I have seen firsthand and up-close a beauty so bright and intense that it shines brighter than any worries, doubt or fear. Its light and warmth radiate to all that encounter it leaving behind healing and growth.


Growing up with such beauty in my mother has left in me a deep imprint of love. I see with her eyes the good. I see with her eyes the joy. I see with her eyes the hope. I see with her eyes the beauty in all that surrounds me, as well.


I did not know then, but I do now. I did not see that her beauty in its truest form was shaping my own perception of that which is lovely. Of course, I doubted my own physical appearance, noticed my own shortcomings. But because of her beauty, I learned very early on that my beauty was formed out of my inner person and that nothing I put on my outward body could change what was within. Ugliness could not be hidden by brand labels and lipstick. The beauty from within, likewise, could not help but be seen. Its very nature was to reach out and touch others.


Age cannot diminish true beauty. As I look upon her features now at 60, I see beauty that I have never seen before. Beauty that is new, fresh and brighter than the face of any Cover Girl model.


Now watching her as a grandmother I see her beauty being poured out towards my own children. In the embrace of a child who has fallen and skinned a knee, in the laugh lines around her mouth as she shares a chuckle over a silly joke, in the softened skin of an aging hand holding closely the hand of a toddler while slowly walking together, in the worried lines around her eyes when she hears of sadness in a young girls heart. She shares her beauty and she shares her love. They do not know it to be anything different than it is, they may not know it for a very long time. But who they are, who they will become, the beauty they will share, is already being formed because of her.


She is beauty. And I marvel at the effect that her beauty has on those who are so blessed to be in her life.
 
Happy 60th birthday to the most beautiful woman I know. 

He knew what we needed

About three years and seven months ago, I felt a bit of panic grip my heart when I realized that I was indeed pregnant with our fifth child.  I had convinced myself that I could 'deal with' the questions, ribbing, and down-right shock often associated with the size of my brood, as it stood..but to add to it would be more than I was prepared for.  No, these feelings are not something I am proud of.  But they were real.  I didn't know if I could be all that I needed to be to another child.  Heaven knows that I was barely what I needed to be for the four that I had!

But God sees so much further that I do.  He knows the depths that our heart can love.  He knows that strength outweighs fear.  He knew that we needed Elli. 

Elli is spunk and sass.  Elli is giggles and screams.  Elli is princess and drama.  Elli is loyalty and love.

Every.single.day MULTIPLE times a day, Elli will interrupt me with, "Mom-" (And I MUST answer her with "what Elli?") "I love you!"  And the only acceptable answer for her is, "Elli, I love you too!"

We all know that each of our kids is so infinitely unique and special.  It never ceases to amaze me how five individuals can still surprise me with characteristics not seen in one another.  Elizabeth is a breath, no- a gust, of fresh air!  She is so unbelievably lovable that I feel like she needs to be bottled up and given out in small doses!

She adores her siblings.  Most of them.  Most of the time.  Except when she doesn't.  Then they will hear her wrath--loudly, sometimes with a flying object.  And they KNOW how to aggravate her.  But they also know how to love her.

No one loves her, or is loved by her, more than her "Prince Andy"-as she calls him.  (His attributes are too numerous to cover here.)  But he loves her and she adores him.  And it makes me happy.

Happy 3rd birthday sweet Elizabeth Jo!  We are so thankful that God gave us just what we needed.

Kate is 8!

This beautiful little girl turns eight today. 

Kate is eight and it is great. 

That's my Dr. Seussical poem for the day.  Hold your applause, please.

I look back over the years with Katharine in our lives and quite frankly when you've had as many kids as I have had your memory of each little antic and detail and the deep impact they made to the family unit, begins to blend together.  It is in those family reminiscing moments when I tell a story of something one of them did as a baby or toddler, only to have one of them interrupt me with, "No mom, that was not me...you told us that story and it was Olivia."

Okay, so I may not be clear on all the details of each child.  Which really stinks when it comes to Kate, because she is the MIDDLE of the middle.  And trust me, she is already reminding me of all the ways in which she is short-changed. 

For her sake, and because in truth I remember many things about her, I will relate just a few!  She is like a weather pattern in a body.  She is sunshine and rainbows.  She is storm clouds and rain.  She has the ability to either be completely content and happy with her lot in life, or totally and completely ticked off.  There is very little in the way of moderate temps with her.  Although it can be trying, we often draw strength and energy from her deep enthusiasm over the simplest of pleasures.  Likewise, our limitations of restraint are tested when she is brooding over some misfortune she has endured.

To know her, is to love her.  She loves deeply, wounds easily, & gives completely of herself.  I have always told Chad that of all the kids she is the most 'two-sided' when it comes to her personality at school (and with others) versus her personality with us.  She has a certain amount of goodness to share each day.  And she saves every last ounce, usually, for those not related by blood.  Which, really, is how I would rather have it.  She knows that she is safe and loved at home.  Each day when I arrive to pick up the kids from school, as she opens the van door, or even before that, I can see in her expression whether or not to tell the other kids to tuck and cover. 

Kate is amazing.  Her laughter is infectious.  Her heart is tender and feels the hurt of all.  She is simple in her joys and generous in her love.

She is great, and today....she is eight!
Happy Birthday KayKay TwoSame Shischacocka-poopoo!

The flow of words

Writing seems to flow much like the high and low tides of water. It is either there, or it is not.

Ha! That sounded so philosophical, did it not? Seriously, the writing is always there...or it isn't. For me, it is just about it being the 'time' to write it out. And that is not to say that I no longer have the time to write- I just no longer have the desire to use my time to write, like I once did. I want to keep it as a part of my life. But some things just don't want to be written as badly as others.

You are probably pretty sorry that you clicked over for THIS blog post.

Yes, my life has changed. Evolved, if you will. I am still wife and mother at the fore front. But now I am also wearing a few new hats. Things that I couldn't have chosen for myself if I wanted to, have seemed to just appear in my path, as if placed there for me to find. No effort, no searching, no worry. Just there.

Now I know that God guides and directs me daily. And I am very grateful for that. But sometimes He makes it just so.stinkin.clear. And I LOVE that. I would like to pride myself on my grand sense of intuitiveness. And maybe when it comes to knowing if my child is hiding something from me, or if my spouse is struggling with a decision at work, or if a friend could really use a surprise phone call....I am intuitive. But frankly, I am much more of a two-by-four up along side the head kind of girl when it comes to change and direction in myself.

It is my hope that I will find opportunities to put into written words thoughts, activities, ideas, and passions I am experiencing in my daily life. Because really, my life is SO full of all of these that I really shouldn't just hide it under a bushel. But, like everything in my life, I'm trying very hard to follow His lead. So, we'll see.

Cupcakes & glitter

You would be surprised how many times I have heard gushy-gooey compliments of this sort: "You are such a great mom!"

No, never from my own children. Or from their friends.

Only other mothers or parents, who through their own mis-guided perception or saint-like kindness, have seen something other than what is reality.

Just having five children does not qualify me as a 'great' mom. If quantity earned that title, then just to place myself in an even more solid standing, I'd probably opt for a few more. But the number of offspring has nothing to do with my 'greatness' or lack thereof. If the sheer number of deliveries impresses you than the compliment more fitting might be: "You are great at making & delivering babies!"

I can name two reasons why 'great' should not preface my title.

Glitter and cupcakes.

I can think of only one thing worse: glittered cupcakes.

I hate both. You read correctly. H.A.T.E them. And don't get after me, mom, because I am not speaking of a person---so I can say hate.

Now tell me...what kind of 'great' mother says things like that?

*For a complete list of things that I hate, strongly dislike, please stay tuned.

...the eye of the beholder

I have tried to present myself in a way that cannot be misconstrued as frumpish. Or depressive. Or homeless. Of course, that isn't a 24/7 kind of appearance. Within the confines of my home and whilst I am exercising, fashion goes by the wayside. And yes, I have been known to drop off the kids at school (when I know I will not be exiting the vehicle) in pj pants and slippers.

My point, yes I do have one, is that USUALLY, I enjoy dressing well.

My life takes me in many directions. This time of year, it is frequently the bleachers at a weekend basketball tournament. And although I am not donning heels and a skirt, I still usually at least throw on a sweater and jeans.

Recently one morning while readying myself and family for a game, my son came into the bathroom and asked: "Why do you get so fancy, it's just a basketball game?" (Mind you, fancy meant for him that I was putting on make-up and wearing boots.)

A well-balanced individual would have laughed the comment off.

I fretted and stewed as to what he might have meant. Was I embarrassing him? Am I being vain? Oh, Lordy! With slightly shaky voice, I ask, "What do you mean, how should I be dressing for basketball?"

"I don't know, just regular clothes."

"These ARE my regular clothes. Do you mean like your regular clothes? Wind pants and a t-shirt? I don't own that type of thing!" I defended myself.

"Whatever mom, you look great. Forget about it." Great, now I'm being therapized by my eleven year old. Forget about it!? Does this kid KNOW me at all?

Taking his comments into consideration, the following weekend found me in a more 'casual' outfit. Still jeans, a layered t-shirt look, no make-up, and WAIT.FOR.IT....tennies! I know, seriously? Tennis shoes are for the gym, the trails, camping! I was WAY out of my comfort zone.

Guess what. Three members of my family, at three different times, went out of their way to compliment me which, let's be honest...happens very rarely here.

Husband: "Look at me... your eyes look really blue today, really pretty!"
Oldest daughter: "Mom, you look really pretty today!"
Son: "Hey mom, you look nice."

My confidence is soaring, right?

Wrong. I look good to these people in jeans, t-shirt, no make-up and tennis shoes? All of my usual primping and planning gets nothing-but scorn-and this? Really?

Pinterestly enough....

So, I have decided that Pinterest is the place people go to look at and pin things that they will probably never actually do.

No? That's just me? Ahem, alrighty then.

That is not entirely true, I guess. I did make the 'Acorn' donut hole treat this past Fall, and I even tried the 'Owl' cupcakes. But truthfully, the other 999 pins I have done could all fall under the category, or if you're down with the Pinterest lingo, board--of "Things that are cool but highly unlikely that I will ever own, bake, or actually do."

Most recently I have been scouring pins for neat Valentine's ideas for the kids. And let's just say, depending on your Martha Stewart ability, there is something out there for everyone.

I compiled a list- a real list...like one on actual paper- of some that I found along with a few that I came up with on my own. I was excited to go over them with my kids to see which they would like to use for their particular classmates and teachers.

Surprisingly they were not nearly as in 'awe' of my cleverness as I was, but whatever, they think popping a huge bubble and leaving gum all over their face is cool.

Thinking that my oldest would surely share my delight with these ideas I ran the list by him again, making sure he 'got' each pun.

Very innocently he asked, "Mom, why are you planning all this?"

"For Valentine's Day, silly! We don't want to just give out pre-made valentine's do we?" I mean, DUH!

"You do realize that no one reads them, right? They just rip off the candy and toss the rest. It's the candy that's gotta be good, not the words."

"Yeah, well--mom's look at them." I so smuggly replied.

"They won't get that far, mom."

Why is he so much smarter than me?

Thoughts on the "Winter that Wasn't"

What a strange, strange winter we are having. Strange in the BEST.POSSIBLE.WAY. Strange, like me.

Ever since October, when I began to mentally prepare myself for the forthcoming cold, I have been waiting. Each gloriously sun-shined filled day has lead to another and another. Even I don't believe Chad anymore when he repeats his mantra to the children: "Better get outside and enjoy this beautiful day, it will probably be the last!"

Over the months, each time that I laced up the tennies, I told myself that this could well be my last outdoor run for the season. I started thinking that in October. Here it is January and today I will be out on the trails of our beautiful State Park.

I have been telling my kids that someday, when they are parents and even grandparents, they will talk about the Winter of 2011-2012 with their families. Remembering the winter that wasn't. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we are not still in for some cold and snow. But anytime that it does not begin until after mid-January it is something of which to take note.

As I walked my garbage out to the trash can, in my slippers and pajama pants, I marveled at the penetrating sun on my shoulders. In January. Whatever the cause or purpose in the weather's unusual pattern, I am thankful for today. Even if tomorrow, or the day after that brings piles of white stuff---today is glorious.

Christmas at the Farm

Everyone was able to gather for the Farm Family Christmas.

It never ceases to amaze me that four families are able

to coordinate and sacrifice time in order to all come together

several times a year. It may get chaotic, but the time together

will be times that can never be remade. So priceless! It definitely was different

not having any snow to fly around behind the Honda's on, this year. But the kids

and adults all found other forms of entertainment!

Brian & Lisa's Family

(Chad's brother)

Larry & Laurie's family

(Chad's sister)

Our family

15 of 16 grandchildren, with the great-grandma's too!

Chad's parents and siblings

All 16 grandchildren with grandma & grandpa

me and Nic

Christmas morning after Church