Much ado about nothing?

My dear kids,

I realize that our vacation plans are hardly comprehensible to the four of you. Yes, Nicholas and Olivia, you seem to grasp the notion that your dad and I will be on a big boat in the ocean along with your grandparents. And you seem to realize that you will be staying at the farm and with your Auntie Barb for a 'few' days...but beyond that it is lost to you as to what exactly will be happening in the next 10 days.

I guess that is the way of childhood innocence. Maybe that is why everything seems less frightening and more doable as a child. The childish mind just can not think of all of the unknowns, and therefore the mind and heart are free of worry, doubt, and fear. It is too bad that we lose that aspect of childhood.

I KNOW that you will be fine. I KNOW that you will flourish. I KNOW that you will be loved, cuddled, cared for and disciplined. I KNOW all of that. I really am not worried about the four of you at all. Yes, I wonder what thoughts will cloud your heads as you lay quietly at night. I wonder where Andrew will reach when he feels the need for a tummy rub. I wonder if Kate will call out for help to wipe or just forge on independently, I wonder if Olivia will miss the familiarity of our bedtime prayers together, I wonder if Nicholas will feel the heavy weight of responsibility on his shoulders because of our constant reminders to "help Grandma and Barb out with the little ones." I wonder a lot of things. But mostly I wonder how I will feel.

Of course I am excited at the thought of spending time with your dad. Time that does not revolve solely around parenting. And of course I know the necessity of such time together. Just having the long weekend together this summer reminded us both of how important it is not only for the two of us to take time apart but how vital it is to the life of our entire family for us to do so. My fears or anxiety have nothing to do with going away with your dad. They have to do with me.

I do not remember life without you guys.

I do not remember what my favorite pass time was before it was reading stories and dancing crazy in the living room after bath time.

I do not remember if I always liked chicken nuggets and fries or if I acquired that taste along with you.

I do not remember if sleeping soundly all night long really changes the quality of my life or not.

I do not remember what fashion trends thrilled me before I became so fond of the comfort of layered t-shirts, yoga pants and slippers.

I do not remember if long, hot showers relieve weary shoulders or if a hug and kiss from a toddler work just as well.

I do not remember if I ever had more than a five minute face and if it really looked any better if I did.

I do not remember if I enjoyed exercising as much on a treadmill as I do chasing after four active children.

I do not remember if my smooth skin and firm body made me sexier to my husband than my laugh lines and stretch marks that have come with motherhood.

I do not remember what it was like to walk anywhere without looking behind me and expecting to see little faces in a row following closely behind.

Some would say that I have lost myself. I have given up things that I once loved and enjoyed so that I could care for you four. I should know what I enjoy, what I love, what my dreams are. I do not think I have lost anything. I think that I have evolved. Evolved from a person who thought that lipstick and hairspray made me beautiful into a person that is beautiful because of each.one.of.you.

Being away from you for these next days, will indeed be unique. It may take me a few days to adjust to caring for the needs of just one. And I am sure that part of me will enjoy it very much. I am sure that your dad will enjoy my undivided attention for a time. I am sure that we will laugh and reminisce about a time when that was all that we knew. I am sure that we will plan to do it again. But I also know that we will come running home to hold you. To lose ourselves all over again in the beauty of being your parents.

I love you.

Mom